pretty as a car crash.

I can’t help it.

I know These thoughts shouldn’t cross my mind. I know that I am going to bring about my own downfall. But how can I not feel like i ruined someone’s life by being in it? I look at her sitting next to me. Watch you notice the things she does. I feel crippled when she’s around. I feel small. Not worthy. Not good enough. I feel like I wanna crawl under a rock and not come out.

It’s different when I watch her with the group you spent 7years together with. It’s like watching a symphonic band. Everyone knows their part. Everyone knows which rolls to play. And me? I’m like an extra that rolled on set by chance. I keep waiting for someone to boo me off the stage.

haruki murakami 2

“But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
― Haruki Murakami

haruki murakami

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

hi

hihi

seriously?

you tell me you dont wanna waste your friday. you slept all though today. first thing when you woke up you got mad at me over something small and stupid. then you went back to sleep. i went downstairs walked out in the hot sun to make you lunch so you’d have food when you woke up. even though i worked the night before. then after lunch you continued being mad at me and we argued again. i didnt even wanna open my mouth to argue so i just went to sleep and so did you. after waking up you tell me you dont wanna waste friday so you are going out while i have to go in to work. nice one seriously. fucking epic. im ranting here because im too tired to fight with you again. so i’ll shut up. because if i open my mouth its not going to be pretty.

so far

there was a time when i used to believe in lending my voice to a problem i saw in my r/s and trying to make the other party see it. But from what i learned last year this is impossible to do. You CANNOT make someone open to seeing/dealing or just plain admitting that a problem exists if they are adment about not acknowladging its presence, So i learned that, you dont always have to bring it up. You tell them once, twice and after awhile if they continue doing what they want with no regard for you then you let it go. decide exactly how long you can hang on and when you’ve had enough. then just walk away. Oh, thats one more thing to learn. how to let go, dont sit and mop and wait for them to dump your ass. or rather, learn not to give a fuck before they do dump you. For one thing, it’ll hurt you less and it wont catch you off guard.

It’s been a pretty damn long time since i posted anything here, but it seems there is clearly a problem with me. because the girls who fall in love with me always find it near impossible to STAY in love with me. and im starting to wonder why. “not hard to get, hard to keep” indeed. Maybe not everyone was meant to find someone for their own. Maybe, just maybe. some of us are meant to go at it alone.

I cannot begin to explain how i feel about being constantly on my guard around the girl who tells me she loves me one night and wakes the next morning wondering if she still does because feelings flucuate. Because when ever we fight or i somehow say something to piss her off AGAIN. she ends up mad at me. But i cannot continue on like this can i? i’ve tried. i’ve been trying and im honeslty exhausted of feeling like i’m the only one in this r/s trying to fight for this r/s. I don’t feel like you care, and i can’t go at this alone. AGAIN.

UGH. this always happens so maybe its just me.
maybe when the time comes i’ll just give up mentally, emotionally and physically and just wait for you to break up with me. as usual.

my word vomit is extensive. so im just gonna shut up now. cause i woke her up with my typing. goodbye.

time bomb

When I got here I knew this was hard to hold
Like a clash the whole thing spun out of control
Oh, on wire, we were dancing
Two kids no consequences
Pull a trigger, without thinking
There’s only one way down this road

Well there’s no way out of this
So let’s stay in
Have a storm that comes,
I’ll soak us to the bone
Oh resistance is useless
Just two kids stupid and fearless
Like a motor, shooting a lesson
There’s only one way down this road

It was like a time bomb, set it in motion
We were only destined to explode
And if I have to pull you out of the wreckage
You know I’m never gonna let you go
Oh, like a time bomb
Gotta use it, let’s defuse it
Ticking like a time bomb
But I need it
Wouldn’t have it any other way

Got your heart in my hands, like a time bomb ticking
It goes off, we start again
If it breaks, we fix it
Got my heart in your hands, like a time bomb ticking
We should know
That I love you, won’t let go

just the way im not.

I’m a waste of chances,
Full of bad romances,
Your favorite enemy,
And your most hated friend.

You’re a classic case of,
Foolish, young and in love,
But you don’t even know what love could do to us.
We are brash and reckless,
Made of glass and careless,
We break apart the moment we both feel too much.

Never to seem please you, no,
Don’t you ever let me go,
I know your heart is shut, shut, shut.
And don’t you know,
Nothing’s gonna change us.
Girl, all because I like you just the way you aren’t,
And you like me just the way I’m not.

Opposites distract,
We fall between the cracks,
Forget about each other ‘til we get each other back.

When it hurts it hurts,
You wonder if it’s worth it.
But when it works it works,
When it’s broke it’s prefect.